Ireland, noted for fried breakfasts of epic proportions, is chewing over the possibility of a special tax on fatty foods to tackle rising obesity levels.
posted by Gardner at 11:51 AM

Hello will you join me on a secret submarine mission!!!!!!!

Pokey the Penguin: Almost as funny as Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus.
posted by Gardner at 11:13 PM

Sprawling suburbs that make it harder for people to get around without a car may help fuel obesity: Americans who live in the most sprawling counties tend to weigh 6 more pounds than their counterparts in the most compact areas.

Adding to the sprawl concern: Pedestrians and bicyclists are much more likely to be killed by passing cars here than in parts of Europe where cities are engineered to encourage physical activity - and whose residents typically are skinnier and live longer than the average American.
posted by Gardner at 9:25 PM

People keep sending me crazy shit:

Klingon Jesus, courtesy of Chris H.

Kikkoman craziness, also thanks to Chris.

Bonsai Kitten, thanks to Kristy. I'm assured this is a joke. God, I hope so. If it's not, it's the most horrible thing ever, and you should probably stay away, especially if you love cats.


posted by Gardner at 10:33 PM

posted by Gardner at 11:07 PM

I've finally gotten around to updating the letters and comics pages. Now you can read the entire Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus saga to date in order.

You know, if you've got nothing better to do.
posted by Gardner at 2:44 AM

I'll spare you the details of the hour I just spent trapped in an elevator, because the ordeal turned out to be more of a Gardner Is Stupid story than the Gardner Is Punished by Cruel Fate story I had envisioned. Suffice it to say that if your elevator stops moving and the door won't open, but you can still hear a hum that indicates the elevator is somehow still working, pull the STOP button and then push it back in. That is, unless you like to be on the receiving end of scorn from surly, clearly-pissed-off-to-be-dragged-out-of-bed-at-one-a.m. elevator repairmen.
posted by Gardner at 2:27 AM

Below you will find a couple of posts titled "Cahuenga Pass" Iterations One and Two. These are two little pieces of fiction with the same title and the same first line, but telling different stories. I'd like you to play this game too. Here are the rules:

1. Write something using an element from the two Cahuenga Pass stories. You have two choices: A) Use the title "Cahuenga Pass" and the first line "We're going over the Hill, into the Valley," but write a story that has nothing to do with either of my two pieces. Or B) Write something using the characters or setting from either of the two Cahuenga Pass pieces, but with a different title and first line.

2. If you write a story with a new title, the new title should be the name of a place or geographical landmark. "St. Louis." "Brand Boulevard." "The Eiffel Tower." You get the idea. The story should, in some way, be about the characters' relationship with that place.

3. The story must be under 1000 words.

4. Either email the story to me, or post it on my forum here. I will then repost it on the website, giving you full credit, of course.

4. And the game continues, spiralling out in a web, the connecting strands being either titles or characters. Let's say someone writes a story about the horrific post-apocalyptic Los Angeles from "Cahuenga Pass Iteration One," and titles it "Long Beach Airport." Then someone else could write a story called "Long Beach Airport," only it would be about someone getting lost while driving to the airport in 1975. And then someone else could write a story about the driver from that story as a child in the sixties, watching the moon landing. And on and on and on.

Entertain me.
posted by Gardner at 11:49 PM

Presents: Saturday Night with Lil' Gardner from July 2002


posted by Gardner at 3:39 PM

So Fox is suing Al Franken for using their trademarked phrase "Fair and Balanced" in the title of his new book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. And this is what they have to say about it:

Franken's "intent is clear -- to exploit Fox News' trademark, confuse the public as to the origins of the book and, accordingly, boost sales of the book," [the lawsuit] said.

What? Did Fox's lawyers not even read the rest of the title? Do they not understand sarcasm? Or do they agree that Fox News is a bunch of "lying liars," and they're afraid the American public will think this book is some sort of corporate mea culpa? "Yep, we're a bunch of liars. The war isn't over, and there never were any weapons of mass destruction. Our bad!"


posted by Gardner at 3:28 PM

Fiction | Cahuenga Pass | Iteration Two

We're going over the Hill, into the Valley. We are five, in a car for four. We are drunk, to varying degrees. We are coming back from a show, a restaurant, a bar. We are four men and one woman. We are going home for the night, leaving the fantasies behind, retreating into what is safe.

We curse the cars around us, the Beemers and Hummers surrounding us. We curse the people who drive them, and their lack of passengers. We curse the people stumbling down Highland, balding twenty-six-year-olds in packs of three, wearing identical short-sleeved plaid shirts, their arms around blonde women in too-tight jeans taking too-short steps. We curse whatever is available, because we don't know why. We curse what we believe to be our luck.

"I don't need to sell my soul...he's already in me..." We each hold our private conversations with ourselves. "I wanna be adored..." Bass from three different cars thumps through our open windows: 50 Cent to the right, Armenian techno to the left, New Order behind. "You, my friend, are a damn fool." We repeat what we've heard, hoping for laughs, for recognition. Hoping to connect through mutual consumption. "He's already in me..." Hoping to find another set of ears listening at the same time, to share something else before the light turns green. "I am the walrus. I am the walrus. I am the walrus. Vladimir Illyich Ulyanov."

The light turns green and we go, driving past the traffic cops at the bowl now. The man with the mustache signals us onto the Pass with white-gloved hands, and we leave the bass behind as we speed into the curve of Cahuenga. Jonathan rides shotgun because he is the biggest and drunkest, and he won't stop babbling about Hitler's connection to the Smurfs. My legs ache from holding them together, trying to preserve the illusion of personal space in the back seat. Cahuenga is clear through to Barham, but at every unannounced crosswalk I imagine a pedestrian crumpling beneath our bumper, or sailing limply over the barricade to the 101 below. But every crosswalk is clear, and so we enter the Valley once more, as always, safe and unsatisfied, as always.
posted by Gardner at 12:14 AM

Bob Hope lived to be 100. You could live to be 120. Your children may be looking at 180. In a few generations, the human life span may reach 500 years.

Implausible? Not according to experts who recently met in San Francisco at the annual conference of the World Future Society to ponder scientific advances that will help us live longer. A lot longer.
posted by Gardner at 3:02 PM