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Day Brighteners .... Actual Bumper Stickers
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The Gene Pool Could Use Some Chlorine.
Time Is What Keeps Things From Happening All At Once.
Women Who Seek To Be Equal With Men Lack Ambition.
Few Women Admit Their Age, Few Men Act It.
The Difference Between Terrorists And Women:
You Can Negotiate With Terrorists
Your Kid May Be An Honor Student
But You're Still An Idiot.
It's Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
Love: Two Vowels, Two Consonants, Two Fools.
According To My Calculations The Problem
Doesn't Exist.
Some People Are Alive Only Because It Is Illegal
To Kill Them.
Warning: Dates On Calendar Are Closer Than
They Appear.
Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else.
Make It Idiot Proof And Someone Will Make
A Better Idiot.
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.
Always Remember You're Unique, Just Like
Everyone Else.
Very Funny Scotty. Now Beam Down My Clothes!
Puritanism: The Haunting Fear That Someone,
Somewhere May Be Happy.
Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps.
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
Diplomacy Is The Art Of Saying "Nice Doggie!" ...
'Till You Can Find A Rock
I Like You But I Wouldn't Want To See You Working
With Sub-Atomic Particles.
Auntie Em: Hate You, Hate Kansas, Taking The Dog. -
DOROTHY.
Lead Me Not Into Temptation, I Can Find It Myself.
Eschew Obfuscation
Play An Accordion, Go To Jail. It's The Law!
I Brake For Orgasms!
The Pyramids Were Built By People With
Ever Diminishing Goals
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a
limited inventory.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks
you're an idiot.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "NO" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Don't let reality ruin your life.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it!
To all you virgins: "Thanks for nothing!"
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Madness Has Its Toll, Please Have Exact Change
When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty
Research Causes Cancer In Rats
It's not how you pick your nose;
it's where you put the booger
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale
Got kleptomania ? Take something for it
Do not adjust your mind, the fault is with reality
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Will somebody PLEASE reboot the Clue server?!
Don't try to outweird me.
I get stranger things than you in my breakfast cereal.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Women age like wine; Men age like cheese.
Old Proctologists Never Die
They Just Get Bummed Out
I Don't Suffer From Insanity; I Enjoy Every Minute of It
Earth is the Insane Asylum for the Universe
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing
I'm not saying you're stupid.
I'm saying you just have bad luck when you think
Divine Intervention
The ship was going down.
The captain and the crew were trying - in the middle of a terrible
mid-Atlantic winter storm - to get the lifeboat out. "We can hope
for nothing but Divine intervention," cried the captain. "Does
anyone know how to pray?"
No answer.
After a few seconds of silence, the cabin boy timidly spoke up.
"Maybe I can help. I used to live next to a church." The captain
ordered everyone to their knees. The boy began.
"Under the B, two. Under the I, 16 ."
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QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE
Douglas Adams:
"There is a theory which states
that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is
for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more
bizarre and inexplicable. There
is another theory which states
that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein:
"Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown:
"Astronomers say the universe is finite,
which is a comforting thought for those
people who can't remember where they leave
things."
Albert Einstein:
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
Eden Phillpotts:
"The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
Edward P. Tryon:
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the
modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those
things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes:
"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with
one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch:
"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that
man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout:
"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen:
"I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the
universe when it's hard enough to find your way
around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams:
"In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and
been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad:
"The crux... is that the vast majority of the
mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook:
"Programming today is a race between software
engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots. So far,
the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle:
"There is a coherent plan in the universe,
though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury:
"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley:
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was
dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton:
"I'm worried that the universe will soon need
replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Bill Watterson (Author: Calvin and Hobbes) :
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that it has never
tried to contact us."
Harlan Ellison:
"The two most common elements in the known universe
are hydrogen and stupidity."
Frank Zappa:
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe,
and it has a longer shelf life.
Anonymous:
"Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe Halted."
Bernard Bailey:
"When they discover the center of the universe,
a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."
Johann von Goethe:
"We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds;
our planet is the mental institution of the universe."
Buddha:
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection."
Herman Melville:
"There are certain queer times and occasions in this
strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes
the whole universe for a vast practical joke."
Gareth Roberts:
"It may not seem like much, but think of the consequences.
One overdue library book today, the collapse of the universe
by the end of the week."
Ian J. Davenport:
"It's counter to common sense, but common sense is only based
on a very small subset of the universe."
Albert Einstein:
"What is inconceivable about the universe is that it is
at all conceivable."
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Philosophical Pronouncements and Sage Advice
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me,
it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're
in the bathroom.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run. (he hates that)
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a fool.
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool
who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Time wounds all heels.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents,
it is how he found out.
Claustrophobia is not a fear of Santa Claus.
Asphalt has nothing to do with rectal problems.
Asphyxiation does not mean someone with a buttocks fetish.
Asphyxiation does not refer to the maloderous fumes produced
when someone farts.
Xenaphobia is not the fear of busty armor-clad sword-wielding women.
The Trojan Horse has nothing to do with condoms.
Always look before you flush. You may have dropped your wallet.
A cat will always end up on its feet; a dog will always
end up on the furniture.
Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Common sense isn't.
Nobody ever forgets WHERE they buried the hatchet.
Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody else have your way.
It was a brave person who ate the first oyster.
Practice safe eating. Use condiments.
Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.
If you want to know more about paranoids follow them around.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradox's, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off
by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
but two Wrights made an airplane.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their
level of incompetence.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an
approaching train.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film
Smith & Wesson - the original point and click interface
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
Modesty is the art of drawing attention to whatever
it is you're trying to be humble about.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a
couple of payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse...it'll be a great trade!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
If you build it, they will complain.
If you build it, they will come; if they come, make sure
it works first.
Anything worth doing is worth backing up.
To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to
sue everyone else.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to enjoy
a future without guilt or regret.
That which does not kill me makes me unconscious.
Life is like a box of chocolates... it always seems to cost
more around the holidays.
The story you are about to hear is true; only the blame has
been changed to protect the ignorant.
Intimidation is the sincerest form of battery.
Why waste your time and money calling psychics; when you are
truly ready, one will call you.
Thanks to binary language, computers have something our children
will never have -- a perfect understanding of Yes and No.
Psychic lines and technical support lines should be combined;
that way you could get answers to all of your present and future
software problems in just one call.
Where there's a will, there's relatives.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
If your parents didn't have any children,
chances are, neither will you.
Outside of a dog a book is Man's best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
Never say "Surprise me!" to your hairdresser or barber.
If raising children was going to be easy it would never
have started with something called Labor.
What you know is not as important as who you know.
But what you know about who you know is where the
REAL money is.
The real reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dreams in color are a pigment of your imagination.
A pessimist's blood type is always B negative.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Bread bakers spend their time loafing.
Pharmacists are the pillers of society.
Pharmacists are patient lovers.
Once you pull the pin,
Mr. Grenade is NO LONGER your friend.
Point-and-click means you're out of ammo
Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that
can be recalled by their maker.
If you lend someone $20, and you never see
that person again, it was probably worth it.
Never buy a car you can't push.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are
sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some
have weird names, and all are different colors
but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Animal testing is a bad idea because they get
nervous and give the wrong answers.
Catatonic is not an energy drink for felines.