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Marriage...Making It Work
It has often been cited that over half the marriages in the US today fail. No one has ever said that marriage was a cakewalk. For starters, we've all heard that men and women are different (the Mars/Venus thing). On top of that, we all bring to the table different life experiences into the marriage mix, and this is even more evident in T-F marriages, where you have cultural and socio-economic differences, the language barrier, age and educational differences, just to name a few. Daunting as the task may seem however, a T-F marriage can be successful. The Thai-Falang Board has an active section on relationships, where you can always post your questions, or read the many interesting threads already posted. Bottom line, there is no magic formula for marital success, but there are things we can all do to help strengthen our relationships. There's a lot books and info in cyberspace about tips on marriage... here's a few from Dr. Phil McGraw, psychologist, author (of six NYTimes #1 bestsellers), and host of the popular 'Dr. Phil' show. For more, you can go to his website, and look at what he says about the "10 Relationship Myths": Myths [CAVEAT: the Dr. Phil show is obviously geared for American couples. It does not consider the many different implications and nuances involved in a T-F marriage (such as family support, sinsot, sham marriages, etc)--go to the board for specifics on these issues. Yet, the following may be helpful.]
A Good Marriage
After being happily married for 28 years, Dr. Phil shares some of his thoughts about what makes a marriage work.
The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.
You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation.
Forget whether you're right or wrong. The question is: Is what you're doing working or not working?
There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it's not working and be honest when it needs fixing.
Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.
You don't fix things by fixing your partner.
Intimacy is so important because it is when we let someone else enter our private world.
You don't necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.
Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.
You teach people how to treat you. You can renegotiate the rules.
Roles in MarriageDid your husband's mother take such good care of him growing up that now he doesn't know how to do anything for himself? If the division of labor in your relationship isn't working, Dr. Phil has advice.
Communicate. Instead of just complaining, be specific about what it is that you want. "We're trainable," says Dr. Phil, on behalf of all men. "You just have to put the dots close together!"
Negotiate. Every relationship is negotiated, and needs to be continually negotiated. Even if you've done things one way for 20 years, it's not too late to find a new way to share responsibilities. Find a division of labor that both of you can live with. Come up with new definitions for your relationship.
Work on things during times of peace. In the heat of an argument is no time to come up with solutions that will work for both of you. Don't expect things to change without working on changing them.
Love every idea for 15 minutes when you hear it. Sometimes we don't even consider ideas, or even elements of them that may work, when they may be a good starting point for compromise.
Try to see things through your partner's eyes. You need not necessarily switch roles completely, but you do need to understand what your spouse is saying.
Remember that your wife is your partner, not your mother. Don't expect her to clean up after you and cut your meat for you. Perhaps your mother did that when you were a child, but you're now in a partnership.
Stop being a "right-fighter." It doesn't matter if you're right if it's just not working. Would you rather be right, or be happily married?
Ask yourself: How much fun are you to live with? You don't want a spouse who resents you. Also, how happy are you making your partner? What can you do to make your spouse happier?
Do you think your spouse will put up with the set-up you've got long term? Don't mess with the nest. "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," says Dr. Phil.
You teach people how to treat you. Stop tolerating it if you want things to change. Demand that he get more involved in the marriage.
Maintaining a Successful Relationship
Five and a half years into their marriage, Stacy and Chris...ask for help rebuilding their union. Dr. Phil offers this advice.
Have a solid friendship.
"Ask yourself what kind of friend you are being to your mate," Dr. Phil says. He asks Chris and Stacy what they enjoy doing with their friends, whether it be talking about silly things or sharing a good joke together. He then advises them to apply that same openness to their own relationship. "If you want a good friend, be a good friend," he suggests.
Meet each others' needs.
"The success of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it meets the needs of two people," Dr. Phil explains. He tells Chris that he needs to discover what Stacy's needs are. "Maybe she needs a soft place to fall that day or she needs a shoulder to cry on," he says. He tells Stacy that she doesn't always need to agree with her husband, but she should figure out his needs, whether it's saying that she's proud of him, or that he looks nice that day.
Set specific goals.
"Wake up each morning and say, 'What can I do today to advance the ball?'" Dr. Phil advises. Even small things will accumulate over time and make a difference. Find a quiet moment each day and come up with a specific goal to improve your relationship, whether it's calling your spouse during the day just to say hi, or telling your mate that you love him or her more often. Make a conscious effort.
Get back to basics.
"The idea is to have some concept of what a marriage and a partnership is supposed to be and start doing those things," Dr. Phil urges. Write down your definitions of a successful relationship and live up to those definitions. Focus on the fundamental things that are going to make a difference in the long run.
Take responsibility.
You can't control the way your spouse acts in your relationship, but you can control how you react in negative situations. "You have to take 100 percent responsibility for what you're doing in a relationship," Dr. Phil says. "Decide what you believe and hold to be true, and conduct yourself 100 percent consistent with that."
Turn the negatives into a to-do list.
After getting failing grades on Dr. Phil's Relationship Health Profile Test, Stacy and Chris are instructed to turn their negative answers into positive actions. For example, if you don't have fun with your partner, you need to make a list of enjoyable activities you can do together. Ask yourself, what would make your answer on the quiz change?
Top Three Threats to Your Marriage
Sex, money and in-laws can be surefire threats to any marriage. Dr. Phil talks to couples who found that out the hard way, and are now looking to get their marriage back on track.
"For better or for worse" includes dealing with your in-laws — which isn't so easy for 27-year-old Kathy.
"I love my husband too much to let some witchy woman ruin the good thing we have," writes Kathy to Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil talks to Kathy and Ruthan about how they can work to keep the extended family intact:
Recognize that you both see things through a filter. "This stuff accumulates until it gets to the point that you are defensive about everything," says Dr. Phil. So, for example, you may get upset about the way the other closes the door, when in fact nothing was done wrong at all. Pay attention to when you may be too sensitive.
Have a forgiving spirit. Forgive each other for any offenses thus far, so you can try to move forward with a clean slate.
Define new boundaries. The boundaries you've had are not working. It's never too late to negotiate new ones.
Advice For Ruthan:
"Sending an article to a woman about losing weight is risky business!" says Dr. Phil.
"You are a guest in their marriage and a guest in their home. You have to fold into their rules and their lives if you want to be welcome there," he says.
You're dismissing this as Kathy's problem if you use "the Popeye answer" of "I am what I am." These feelings are very real for her. Don't dismiss them.
Be willing to let your daughter-in-law make some mistakes. You are not entitled to be the know-it-all on parenting. Let your daughter-in-law grow as a mother and as a wife. Let her define her own boundaries. Doing that is a gift to your son and your granddaughter.
Advice For Kathy:
You're the mom now. Act like it. That means being mature and getting the chip off your shoulder. Quit being so sensitive.
Understand that your mother-in-law does have a tremendous investment in your husband. That's one commonality you share. You both love him.
Try to see things through your mother-in-law's eyes. It is so hard as a parent to see "naive rookie mom" doing some things that don't look right.
Advice for Mark:
If your wife has a problem with your mother, it is your job to intervene and try to fix it.
There can be no divided loyalties. Your loyalty needs to be with your wife.
Financial and Marital Harmony
It's this simple: Money can ruin your marriage. In fact, it's the number one problem in marriages, and the number one cause of divorce.
People often underestimate the commitment in merging two lives together. The reason we fight most about money is because it's the most measurable. Sure, compromises also need to be made when it comes to issues of time, space and affection, but with money the give and take is quantifiable.
Dr. Phil has advice for developing and keeping marital and financial harmony.
Relationships are mutually defined. Each partner needs to be comfortable with any guidelines you set. Don't build resentment if you've agreed to it.
Everyone should have some financial freedom. Whether $5 or $500, discretionary income is a must for any partnership. If you want to run it through a shredder, it ought to be your right to do so. Having your own money helps you feel like you haven't given yourself up in order to be part of a relationship.
While financial independence is important, it must be balanced with accountability. Don't hide your spending habits from your spouse. Live within the boundaries you set. Consult your spouse before purchasing big-ticket items.
Don't live a fairytale! Get real about how much money you have. Set a realistic budget and financial goals. Don't justify purchasing something you can't afford.
Emotional problems can't be solved with money. Take a hard look at what's really behind your spending habits.
Negotiate, and then renegotiate when necessary. You made these life decisions together, and you can change them together.
Educate yourself. Marriage is a partnership, and both individuals need to be well-informed. Many problems — especially when it comes to money — stem from lack of knowledge.
When a financial issue comes up, ask yourself: Is it really a money problem or is it a relationship problem?
Money should not be used as a weapon against your partner.
Joint vs. Separate Accounts: Dr. Phil suggests separate accounts, because it's important to have independence and your own discretionary money.
When Sex Threatens a Marriage
After 20 years of marriage, Donald and Jeanine turn to Dr. Phil for help with their sex life.
"Twice a month, that's all I'm asking for," says Donald ... until Dr. Phil points out that negotiating with him isn't going to help any!
Jeanine grew up with a mother who tried to instill in her that sex was bad, nasty, and all men wanted. "That's part of your internal dialogue now," says Dr. Phil, pointing to part of the problem. "I've been watching you since you got here," he adds, "and you are wound up tighter than an eight-day clock!"
Dr. Phil suggests:
"Hit the eject button on the internal dialogue that's been written on the slate of who you are by your mom. It's not all your husband wants or he would have been long gone," says Dr. Phil.
On their 12-day vacation in Jamaica, when Jeanine was more relaxed, their sex life improved. "I can't afford to always be on vacation!" jokes Don. Instead, Dr. Phil says that Jeanine must make relaxation a priority. "Give yourself permission to relax and soothe yourself every day," he says.
Don needs to help Jeanine relax — without any expectancy of sex. Work on soothing her externally, with a foot massage, for example. This will help Jeanine loosen up, and can also be intimate in itself.How to Fight Fair
How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship.
A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)
"Disagreements are going to occur," says Dr. Phil. "The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You'll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It's not a competition, it's a partnership."
Here are Dr. Phil's specific rules for fighting fair.
Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.
Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.
Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.
Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely. Saving a Marriage
Couples who are trying to work their way back from a near-divorce are faced with the ultimate challenge. Rebuilding trust and infusing the partnership with love takes introspection, forgiveness and a lot of time and effort. Dr. Phil presents the following points for couples to consider when trying to heal a damaged relationship.
Homework: Write down what you need from your partner.
Dr. Phil asks couples to write down the 10 things that they would like to see more of (or less of) from their partner. This exercise can illuminate many of the misunderstandings that couples face.
What are you doing to contaminate your relationship?
Each partner carries emotional issues from the past into the current relationship. Be sure to examine what you are bringing into the dynamic as well as looking at what your partner is doing.
Have you built an emotional wall?
Many people have unconsciously built emotional walls that prevent them from truly becoming close with their friends and family. As you attempt to reconnect with your partner, be sure to ask yourself if you have blocked yourself off emotionally from the one you hope to be intimate with once again. And remember that you have to knock down your emotional wall — nobody can do it for you.
Make an effort to communicate from the heart.
When speaking to your partner, especially in a time of crisis, be sure that you are speaking from the heart and not simply saying the words that you think he or she wants to hear.
Ask yourselves if you've ever really met each other.
It is possible to be married for years and still not truly know each other. Many people hide behind social masks — a protective measure that keeps friends and family from really understanding them. Take the time to get to know yourself; it is a process that will ultimately lead to others knowing you as well.